handheadman

Yeah, I've not been active in YEARS, so sue me. Met the woman of my dreams and now we're engaged so I'm finally feeling like being present in the world again. :-D

So, I try to get back on here a bit and it now apparently takes hours and hours for new submissions to show up (over 5 hours now on my latest) and the print thing is screwed up. I must be jinxed. It's one thing right after another. Sigh...

I need cash!!! I'm selling stuff on eBay. Putting up a number of listings over the next few days.
Check 'em out and buy some crap: My eBay junk. Spread the word!

months have passed since I've done anything here - or anywhere for that matter. i haven't even looked at anything on devart and it's an effort just to get to the grocery store for food to keep my miserable carcass alive. months - and i'm still feeling worthless, pointless, and out of ideas. why does life have to be so hard, so lonely, so on and on and day after day when you're so sick of it you wish it would all just stop?

i don't have anyone to tell all this to, to get them to feed me bullshit like, "i care" or "it'll be okay" or "i'm here for you". bullshit. "friends" are people who never visit, never call, never have time. ok, maybe not never, but close enough to make me feel like shit and be so sick of everything that i don't want to bother hitting shift to capitalize letters right now and punctuation is pissing me off too. i sound mad? i guess i am, some, but it's more that i'm just worn out from all the nothing i'm getting from the world. go out and get it myself? i don't think i know how; besides, i'm coming to the conclusion that i'm fucked up in the head. is it normal to have never really felt happy? to have maybe been distracted by something and smiled or chuckled, but known afterward it was all a lie? to realize that friends always leave - or that, maybe, just maybe it's me that pushes them away because i feel like crap all the time and i don't want them to have to deal with it. i want someone to confide in, to hold, to get tears and snot on as i sob all over their shoulder - but not really. i don't want anyone to feel that they have to step up to that sort of freakout. but i'd die to mean that much to someone else. to be a well of strength that they could tap whenever they needed. i even think i'm up to it. i may be a wreck inside, but i tend to care and want to make things right, i have strength for someone else but, for whatever weird reason, i don't for myself. it's just no one seems to want that sort of caring and support from me. "arms length" seems to be the distance i always find.

blah, blah, blah, i spew this drivel. why? am i thinking it's therapeutic? do i think it has any power to do anything at all other than creep out anyone who comes across it? i don't have one fucking clue. i used to be smart, talented, creative, and lots of good, good stuff. now, i feel like i'm worthless garbage. i'm almost broke and can't seem to find the energy or courage or whatever all i need to be a man and get a stupid job i hate. hate, i say, because i just know i will. i can't sell for shit. and to get a good job i have to sell myself. catch 22. i'm fucked - and not in the good way. so, at some point, i'll probably crawl off to the mall and get some shitty retail job. me, at 41, working at the god damned mall again. sigh... fuckity-fuck-fuck...

oh, and i'm kinda falling in love with someone. i don't really know her well enough for that, but there you go. i see all these great things in her and i want to just spit it out - "fuck logic, i may not know you well enough to be saying this but, i love you. and not in the distant, friendly sort of way i've passed it off as before. i mean, flat out, i love who i know you to be. huggin' and kissin' and makin' babies love. i'm trusting my gut here because it feels right. i love everything i know about you. everything you say, even if it's almost always in sentences of less than 5 words." no, she's not dumb. i don't know if it's just that she doesn't know what to say to me for whatever reason or what. she takes time to talk to me. for hours at a time even. sure, i do all the blabbing, but she's "there for me". but boy have i been breaking that lately. my mood has been getting darker and darker and my mind emptying of anything to say much beyond, "i'm lonely", "i'm sad", or "aggghhh!" so i say almost nothing at all. and now i think she's mad or sick of me or done, wash her hands, goodbye. what do i say? what do i do? i don't want her to feel sorry for me. i don't want to make her hurt because she's empathetic. i don't feel i can be flat-out honest with her about how i feel. i'm almost certain it'll turn her off - like me peeling off my skin and doing the hokey-pokey and peeing on her would. but here i am burning both ends of the bridge while i stand in the middle. where's she in that conflagration? what harm am i doing to her by my recent silent treatment? when i say "silent treatment" i mean i've not talked with her much and when i do i end up saying that i have nothing to say, nothing's going on. what position does that put her in?

yadda, yadda, yadda - who am i talking to here? my "friends" on deviantart? you people don't know me and likely never will - for this reason or that. why the hell should you care? how could you possibly have the answers? we're citizens in a virtual world here. i can't get any solid, real friendship out here in meatspace, what sort of hope is there in this cyber-circus? woe is me, fuck, damn, frakity-siht-blarghargarg... i'm a worthless pile of shit right now and, even though i know better somewhere inside, i wonder if maybe i always have been. somebody shoot me-